Veronica is dying

Originally sweet and tender at heart but hardened by the circumstances around, Veronica now has grown up. She has had her share of luck, her share of success and failures and more than her share of men.

As a kid she has moved around quite a bit, grew up as a daddy’s sweet girl, decently good at sports, amongst the first ten in the class in academics and as a very stage friendly pupil. She is gifted with a fair complexion, attractive body, gorgeous face and a smile one can hardly resist. She used to be innocent, like a princess who hasn’t seen her self in the mirror yet and is completely unaware of her beauty. Not sure about it but somewhere, somehow she fell for an ordinary man, who she thought was her prince. But she ended up broken hearted.

Little over the period of time, she has learned to come to terms with life. She loves her freedom but she is happy well within her boundaries. Ever since she has stepped out of parent’s house, she has learned to take care of her self. She went to one of the most famous colleges, had coolest friends to hang out with, did most of the crazy things and then eventually passed university to join a multi-national company.

She has dated similar kind of guys, she has known exactly how to wrap them around her fingers, get what she wants out of them and give them just about how much is needed to keep the relation going. She has built a strong fortification around her heart, making sure none penetrates it. She thinks, she’s been there, done that too often and now is the time to settle down. Sure as hell, she knows it that this is not it. There are definitely a few more accidents waiting to happen as she is so prone to them. It is just that she doesn’t want to admit it. She is tempted time and time over again to exchange ‘change for a cold comfort.‘

She is in a place neither she understands nor does she like. Like all of us she too has a defense mechanism and that has taught her to be well within herself. She will happily contemplate equations of ‘if, had it been, perhaps and but…’ but she wouldn’t be keen on running with her instincts for her dream.

Hardly does she know, she was meant to take life as it comes. Not to plan nor be all secured, not be stuck in the aftermath of monthly paycheck. The job she does hardly asks anything out of her, friends she hangs out with are not beyond small talks, via media to kill time and be minimally social, man she is dating now; well they are just going through their lives following a procedure called ‘dating.’

Veronica needs to break free and breathe.

Anyways, who am I to ask her to let go of her love to find romance.

But, Veronica is dying.

Neo

Matter of fact

How much ever I hate physics, it is the law of gravity that binds us together. There is no running away from all those theories because even before they were discovered, they’ve governed our lives. All the theories stand true in their own frames of references, with their own coordinates.

Two physical bodies have a force of attraction that is directly proportional to their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance separating them. When these two bodies roll and are set into motion, laws of speed and momentum take over. When two bodies collide law of collision and conservation of energy explains the impact.

Blown and ripped apart in tiny particles, I wonder if I traveled faster than light could I see myself rolling flat out, heading for the collision. I wonder, could I not see it coming? If I could travel faster than light, I wouldn’t be me anymore, I wouldn’t be a mass, I would be then the energy. Energy, which no one could create and she couldn’t destroy. Energy that could only be converted from one form to another. Energy that can’t be seen but can only be felt.

However, I stood still. Like a big blob of mass. Like a round stone- dead, immobile, dry, shapeless and rough. Destiny waited till the dividing factor of distance reduced. Reduced, just enough to imbalance the force equation and make it impossible for the stone to remain stationary. Rough rubble of ego and self-control all of a sudden gives way to this stone and on a friction nullified surface of self-esteem I surrender to the gravity. My mass is multiplied almost ten times but I fall free and I fall clean. Even if I could travel faster than light would I really want to see my self…I guess not.

Rolling down I come through the nothingness of world with my insignificant mass and myopic existence till I bounce of some asteroid, steering just clear of some eternal black holes. I survive, entering an orbit. Orbit where I account for a mere mass, a mass which is set in a circular motion, which shall not discontinue till truly existent centripetal force keeps balancing out the pseudo centrifugal force. I can’t feel the gravity anymore, I do not know the trueness of my patience and affection, neither am I convinced of the pseudo repelling perception. I do not understand the reality any more as it is nothing more than a possibility of relativity to me hereafter. I revolve. Patiently, she stands alone, holding it all with in, governing my trajectory – a blob of mass, sprung to life-now just revolves. Tirelessly, impatiently, helplessly it revolves.

Life is an eternally balanced equation of forces. Forces that I recognise but do not control. I’m not afraid of speaking my mind because I’m not afraid of gravity. I’m not afraid of my orbits and limitation. I’ve accepted my insignificant existence. I’m not afraid of an imbalance that might either cut me loose of my orbit to get lost in the nothingness of this universe nor am I afraid to collapse and burn in that mass that I’ve orbited for so long.

I accept, I admit and I understand. I speak. I retaliate. I adapt. I see, I feel and I understand.

Inevitable force of attraction has left plenty of fireflies in the space that light my life bright and clean, I can see and I’m ready for it. However, time is not the luxury we have, wish you realise this before the mass disappears into the energy.

I’m here, I’m this. I’m now.

Neo

Being one with the Machine

“Allright, Last chance Merrie”

She puts her seat belt on and Oakland song, ‘ready steady go’ begins to play in the background. Jason Bourne, reverses the car and what follows is a spectacular car chase, that takes place on the streets of Paris... The Bourne Identity

“I know we’ve got a history. But I promise, if you take care of me, I will take care of you.”

Memphis breaks into a Shelby Mustang GT 500 and starts it with his equipment. At the same time, police sets out in his pursuit. They request air unit and with Nitro booster he raises away to 140 miles and you hear radio, “110, 120, 130 and 140 and he is gone”…Gone in 60 Seconds

I probably can go on and on about these movie car escapades, as I’m movie buff. But what I’m trying to draw attention to - are these moments, when the right kind of music, thrilling scenarios, catchy angles and the sheer pace that push you to the edge of the seat. Perhaps, you can get a feel of how it is to ride being one with the machine.

It is very rare that I get a ride like that. But I did, once. It had been just a boring Sunday, till my friend called up and asked me to come down for some snacks.

Tired Sun was drifting with a progressive pace towards horizon, skies were maroon and lazy. There was a refreshing breeze. Roads were comparatively empty with a little bit of traffic. It had rained earlier during the day, so there were some tiny puddles and some mud that must have drifted down there with the flow of water earlier. I cleared first signal and from there on it was a straight shot. Why I say straight shot is because, beyond that point you don’t have signals for at least next 7 Kilometers. Please, take my word for it, this is quite some distance in Hyderabad. This road runs sleekly from Jubilee Check-post till Banjara, cutting some sharp curves with sizable ups and downs as it connects two hills. There is a park on the one side of the road and well, at the pace I rode, didn’t really matter what was on the other side.

There are two lanes on each side, but really tight lanes. You need discretion and speed for snaking here. But then it has its own thrill too.

I rode up straight, passing Little Italy and then Appolo. Then cut some sharp curves before the small uphill climb near a tiny shopping mall. Soon I found my sneakers wet, reminding me of the last puddle, I belted my bike through. That rush of blood, snaking through Ford and Toyotas, breaking just before the curve with an ounce of doubt if I would make it or not, eventually making the curve and then speeding up again, clutching on the front disc-brake so hard that I could feel the rear wheel skidding, I shift my body weight to balance the bike, scratch my feet for some distance till I stop just an inch before the stopped car, I realign myself and then twist my right wrist a bit more, push left foot down to push to second gear and vroom again. Till I have wind rushing through my shirt, eyes glued with utter focus to the street, accelerator-brake-gearbox become my extended limbs, I have a song on my mind and I can hear the firing of the engine as clearly as my heartbeat.

It lasted till I braked to stop at the red light at Banjara, Pizza Hut. The ride was over, my heart was beating faster with nothing but excitement. That thrill of the ride is beyond words. I had all the possible chances to make a mistake and fall, but I didn’t. I don’t know, just something in me, kept telling me just be one with your bike and ride, you will just be fine. Well, that was one of those moments I know for sure, I was one with the machine. Everything felt just right and so much smooth. I might have come this close but, I think I knew, what I was doing.

Well, when I got off the bike, I thought of a lot of things… cheap thrills and speed isn’t all, aint worth it and so on…

We may not make mistakes but others will, a second to late on your brakes, a few more degrees of tilt on the curve or a bit too hard on accelerator and you might be flying. However, pushing laws of physics and gravity, have their own share of rewards. One who loves bikes, would know what I mean by ‘being one with your bike.’

But am sure my Dad would say, “Drive safe, Keep it real.”

And I would second that.

Neo.

When I was little younger

I had a nice childhood. I went to a very simple school and so it turned out that in that pond, I was the big fish. But, as I came out, to enter bigger pond or shall I say a lake, all of sudden I realised, I was nothing. I didn’t stand anywhere. No where.

When it was time to quit wearing uniforms and put something more fashionable on, I had no damn clue about what to wear and how to wear it. Over the period of time I copied what to wear but it took long till I could carry what I was wearing. Well, but eventually everything fell in place. I did fairly well in my junior college, got a bunch of friends(who lasted as long as they were supposed to) and cherry on top, I had a delicate encounter involving some butterflies in stomach, some coffees and some heartaches.

Just as when I thought, life was fun, sweet dream came to an end. It wasn’t that abrupt. I mean, everyone has to make a choice, sooner or later. You need to decide, what you have to become? What do you want to study and so on? Bottom line, you need to decide what are you going to do now, that will help you make money for rest of your life…

Well, that is the way it was put forward to me. How much ever, people who know me would deny this, but I want to take life as it comes. I could never understand, why does one have to become anything at all? Let the chips fall where they may. But I am afraid, it isn’t exactly like that.

So, I believed I could write. I didn’t have any more evidence than some heartbroken poems, overblown incidents and a couple of published amateur articles. I went to meet an editor from a reputed news paper in Mumbai. Kind man that he was, he heard me out. Pretended to go through my articles, took a deep breath and said, “Son, so what do you want to do?”

Only if I knew, I wouldn’t be in your office. But I said, “I don’t know Sir, I need help to decide.”

He acknowledged, “I see, you can write. You got some talent.” I don’t know, back then this one line got all my hopes up but what he said after that just makes me feel, he said whatever he said, just to keep my heart. He continued, “You know what we do here. We cover news, we put information in comprehendible words. It is only the editor, who writes editorial, where he writes a brief analysis on whatever is in the news, but it is not he who is writing it but it is the newspaper brand which is writing it and publishing it. So, I hope you know there isn’t much room for creativity and freedom there.”

“Hmmm, I understand.”

“You think you can do this writing business, 9 to 5? I’m sure you must have taken last six months to write these things. Am I right? You think you want to write book? On which topic might you want to write?”

I never thought of all that. And beyond that point I couldn’t believe that I could write. I felt that, what ever I’ve gone through in those teen years, couldn’t stay with in so it popped out on blank sheet of papers. That is about it, I couldn’t do this writing business 9 to 5. And who wants to read about teen love stories, nervous breakdowns and little fights with parents, confused youth and about directionless, raw potential. Instead, I got convinced that I should become an engineer and make some good money for my self. What about writing, wouldn’t it go on in the back-ground.

Well, so far so good. I’ve become an engineer, not sure about making good money for my self, but I do have a job that allows me to take good care of my self. Writing, well it is going on. But I’ve realized a few things, I never wanted to take up writing to earn my self bread and butter, but it was a passion. It gave me a kick, I loved that appreciation on anyone’s face who read me, it felt nice. It felt light. Life felt more meaningful.

Now, I don’t have any editors to meet, no course to secure admission in, no worries of finding a 9 to 5 job. I also have some experience under my belt, I’ve been around half the world and I’m 23. But, I do have house rent to pay, motorbike to maintain, lifestyle to support. Don’t know, if I’m dreaming again and if it would be worth going after the dream.

What say?

Neo

99

Emm, I’m kick happy right now. Not that you necessarily have to be bothered about it, but you might want to know the reason…

Someone just became 99^th person to click on my blog. I’m glad they came, they read, they left comments. I’m hoping, I get that one more page-view, one more look, one more old new reader, who won’t leave a comment, I know. But the weblogs might just trace those footprints.

I am reminded of a tag line from a greeting cards giant, ‘If it is on your mind, it is on our cards.’ I think, if it is on my mind, it is on my blog. I will admit that I might use some poetic liberties while posting write ups on blog but I am one hundred percent honest with my emotions. I like to tease you guys a bit, leave you wondering, questioning, and pondering. Speech should be like a low cut woman’s top, long enough to cover the matter but short enough to catch the eye.

So, if you think you’ve figured it out, think again. Visit me. I do love your comments, secretly.

Neo

I think u know

I think you know how it feels

I don’t know if you’ve been there or not

But sure as hell I’ve been

When you reach a point

You know, you swam too far to return

And you know you don’t have much left to go on

But, the horizon still shines

With that crimson light and eluding hope

When you realise you’ve gone the distance

You never knew about till you realized it

When you look at your life and

Feel

My life is a mess

“God, just fix it once and I promise I’ll never let it come to this”

If there is a God, then he knows and so do you

It is going to return to square one, again.

So why fix it?

But,

Your broken heart and numb eyes

Still see light at the end of the tunnel.

Red is too harsh on eyes

And thus you can recognise pleasing green

However, what do you do when you’re denied even black n white

And you sink in gray…

I think you know how it feels

When you can fight your sleep but not the dreams

When there is stability but you’ve lost your purpose

When you are made to exchange

A smile for a veil

Reality for perception

and

Instincts for deception

When you understand, precisely when you don’t really have to

When you don’t know if you are

A foolish optimist or a wise pessimist

Being bigger man or fighting for bits of self-esteem

When you know

No one does nothing for no-one

There ain’t no free lunches

When feelings sound good only in books

When words lose life with in

And life loses its meaning

I think you know how it feels

When you hit the bottom and hit it so hard

That you notice the warm breath you exhale

And the puff of dust rises from the ground, never to settle down.

I’m sure you know.

Neo

choose

Spineless body or lonely high-head