She didn’t deserve Gods break her smile

She was supposed to leave that evening. He was a little rude to her a day before. He didn’t do anything but get drunk and watch a football game rather than spending time with her. Somewhere on a bloody Sunday morning he felt wrong, he felt void, empty. Suddenly, he realized, this was it. Her bags must have been packed by now and perhaps all he could manage is to catch up with her over a lunch.

He has known all out that he is no good at saying byes and that is why he avoids airports, bus stops and train stations as much as he can. So much so that a convenient phone call is all that he has boiled it down to.

Scared bloody coward peace of shit, ain’t he?

Or perhaps antisocial, emotionless, heartless, outright practical

Or maybe an emotional fool who finds it hard to let go and knows that it is not the letting go that hurts but the other.

He waited in the lobby of the complex until she came. He was wondering…just wondering.

And then she came and the smile was all that was needed to make him feel at peace.

He has heard about her family a lot. Her ma, big brother, uncles, aunts, grand-parents and so on. And then she asked if it annoys him when she goes on and on about her family. In fact, he was annoyed but not because she talks about her family. It always reminded him of how far he had come from his family. How there are weeks when he doesn’t bother calling up home, when he doesn’t pick up the phone and sends a sms, of how he has been home just three times in last year. Where is he stood is what annoyed him.

She mentioned her Ma but somehow not a lot about her dad. And that day when she talked about her grandparents from her dad’s side. He just asked her, “What’s with your dad? Where is he? Why you never talk about him?”

He had never reacted this way ever. He never asked anyone about the things they didn’t want to talk about. He has had friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and he never asked anything but today, don’t know how words just fell out of his mouth.

She answered, “He passed away.”

Normally, he would keep shut, but idiot asked, How?

“I don’t know exactly. He was working in Middle East. He was driving to office one day and got caught in the middle of something he wasn’t supposed to him. And they shot him.”

He almost dropped the spoon. Breath seemed to have got stuck somewhere in the lungs and throat soaked up and eyes didn’t know where to look and face didn’t know how to react.

“We had been there for holidays that summer. After ten days from coming back this happened. I was hardly fourteen.”

Emmm….

“I don’t know though, if that is what it really was. There are million versions to the story.”

He just closed his eyes and wished all this didn’t happen. More so cowardly, he wished he didn’t ask that question.

Her eyes shrunk a bit but she still had that smile. He wished he could hug her but he just felt glued to his seat.

An hour later she left - with a tiny chit in his hand and ever lasting smile through the rear glass-pane of her cab.

Neo

I do. I will. I’m done

Baby is born, it enters the world drenched in bodily fluids and mom’s blood
Parents and other are happy.

Kid starts growing up
Rather than saying I do understand, it asks why, why not, when, how, where, what…
Kids are not born intelligent but sure as death system and formal education ruins them.

Soon, kid gets into the habit of saying “I understand. I do”
Ok.
Fine.
Yes.

Some remain rebellious but
What follows in life brings them in line.
In line to obey
To accept
Take orders and act as expected

What follows in life ???
School. The beloved school teacher
Whom most of us believe completely and do as asked.
Peers, friends… and their expectations
Homework, tuition classes, sport schedules, GK books and family rituals.
Some remain still rebellious

Opening their horizons to a whole new world of
Youth. Insanity. Freedom. Energy.

There are things to follow then
Assignments, grades, future prospects, career planning, girlfriend-boyfriend issues.

Some still remain rebellious

They eventually go on to obey
‘Yes boss, brilliant idea.’
‘Yeah sweetheart. As you like it.’
‘mom but. I mean… emmm ok. So be it.’

Some still don’t change….

They fight their way through mediocrity
Ask some intelligent questions
Take some bold steps
Air some serious opinions
Take some ahead of the time decisions

Things follow them as well…

Beyond a certain point when they don’t see anything,
They find a girl and get married
Some find and Some don’t
Others keep looking

In any which way, they follow
I did
I do and
I will until they close their minds and hearts with ‘I’m done’

That is it. I’m done.

Neo.

Business, Pleasure and Pain

This is the thing about being young ambitious semi-professional. You work hard and play even harder. And boys play the ball no matter what.

It has been a busy day at work. You’ve been running around to get things done before lunch. Some kind of rush when you want to pack and catch a flight. Well, you rush for a quick lunch, come back knock of pending work, what you can’t finish you postpone it. Off you leave for your workshop.

It has been a while since you’ve been working. You’ve even travelled abroad for business. Walking through the posh lobby of a five star deluxe isn’t a big deal for you anymore. But this one is different.

You sit through the session. You’ve your share of boredom, your share of limelight and sumptuous supper. But then you want to break free. Stay aloof and move out to the poolside.

It is quiet. Unmoved empty easy-chairs, calm pool surface disturbed the passing by breeze; good old skies are clouded but are kind enough to give way to the shy moon. Then you realize, it wasn’t too long before you sat down right there, singing with your mates and her. Someone strummed the guitar and so long the chords were right, you mixed your drunken happy voice with plenty others that were trying to sing.

You can’t remember when that unsaid, unseen space barrier broke, you remember sleepless night spend looking at the calm poolside. You remember those long five star lobbies that allow you to watch someone long enough before they disappear. You remember coy little stares and glances. You realize you probably know this place as well as you knew your school or junior college. You remember karaoke night at the bar at the merci of the singer. You remember tiny blank notepad and sharpened pencils kept next to the phones, you realize words are missing. You walk around without key to any room. You see people leaving in their cabs and you remember when you waved.

Sweet aroma of the earth smells familiar but it isn’t raining yet. There is none to share last one in your pack, there is none to raise your last sip to. Those chairs are still unmoved, untouched- just like they are supposed to be. Just like you were supposed to leave them, perhaps you should have.

It was business then it is business now. There were sparks and butterflies then there is aftermath and perspective now.

You had a resolve then - you’ve one now.

This is the deal with semi-pro, it is still business as usual (maybe little unusual)

Neo.

Roomie

Sometime, I feel I’m the stupid ‘Mr. Know it All’

May that be life, work, future, friends or well, Room-mate.

Well, it was year back when a Punjabi guy brought up in Haryana moved in with me. Trust me, I dreaded how the hell we were going to live together.

I was calculative and for him ‘unnis-bis’ didn’t make any difference. I was this control freak that none of your clothes should be thrown on my bed, don’t bring your shoes into the room, keep the windows closed because mosquitoes will come in, be well dressed man-don’t walk around in bare minimums and blah blah bla…..

“This needs to be settled NOW”

I was like, “What the hell man? I’ve equal right.”

He said, “I’m speaking with the third guy and fine, I’ll move out. Big shit.”

He darted into the room and was throwing his clothes into his bag. Pretty much Bollywood style, I tell you.

And a few hours back, I was home, helping him pack.

Guess, some things change and they change for good.

When you subtract a bed from the room, minus all the clothes lying around and empty the whole cupboard next to yours-the room does look strange.

Was a fun day though, we raced our bikes from one traffic light to the other, we were downing a few beers, had sumptuous lunch, settled accounts and bid our farewell.

I always had this theory about room-mates, ‘When the next one moves in, you feel the last one was better.’

Well, let us say I feel little shallow about having such theory.

Neo

8

Only number after zero that flows through, you don’t pick up your pen, there is no brawl of ink or breaking of nib with eight.

Tilted side ways down and it means infinity. Means completeness, means returning where you began.

Eight is going in circle till the end, means there is no end cause the path leads on the other curve and then yet another

Means going farther away from each other to cross paths once again and then going far away to meet again.

Eight is walk of life, friendship, hardships, relations, broken hearts, bulging voids, two poles stuck together.

Is test to curve but not let your feet on the ground, is to tilt but not fall. Eight is to walk the tight lines between centripetal and centrifugal forces. To balance something that pulls you and something that pushes you.

Eight is a thin line between evening and night. Stepping stone when evening elegantly gives way to the night and the star lit skies.

Oh my number eight

You’re my saving grace

Oh my lucky charm

You’re my open arms

You are my number eight

You are my flickering fate

It is all too grey for me to hate

It is all too late for me to regret

Ohh my revelate

So now don’t hesitate

Redeem yourself

For you are my number eight!

Poker

So we play a little game of poker, don’t we?

As a kid, I didn’t really play a lot of card games and as a grown up kid I still don’t. However, poker is something that I can’t resist if it is on offer. Don’t know but that is one game that can draw closest parallel with my life.

Two cards are dealt face down, you can see them and continue to play. In the course of game there will be five cards dealt face up on the table and you could use any three of them to make your full house, straight flush or pairs. Now, the fifth card is the river card. And if I’ve the vibe then I never go down till the river card is drawn.

Now, the practical side to the game is ‘Throw the hand that can’t get you the win.’ And my side is if you think you’ve got it then go all the way in.

I think if God runs a club up there in heavens, he will be the master dealer and perhaps house will be ever in profit. I’ve never seen such an immaculate delivery of cards ever in life. Deck dealt so elegantly, I wouldn’t know if he was dealing my life from the bottom or top. Your smile was the sign and sparks between were the vibes, I took up the hand.

I might have been reluctant but I’ve not shied away from betting the whole pot. Because that is how I’ve lived so far. I’m not the greedy kinds of ‘Double or Quits’ but I would never bet on two horses just to recover money. I’m either in or I’m out.

That is how I saw you. I didn’t check you on your bets. When you were in, I thought you were in all the way.

Believing comes naturally to me I guess. I think it is some kind of high for me. Maybe that is the reason, I can’t stay without believing in some thing, someone – or maybe just in you.

They say “Key to no stakes is to push a man to all his money” I guess you just did. But I took up.

In life and in poker the question is not Did I see it or you showed it? or

Did you hear it without me saying it?

It is hard math, these are cards and not people, they don’t change, they don’t speak, they don’t pretend. Fools like me gamble it, others grind it out.

I went down, big time. Fair enough. Taken.

However, I’m disappointed you threw the hand in before the river card could be drawn. Why? That is all for the trust, sparks, connections, commitment, confidence? I don’t know.

Little over period of time I’ll learn how to win. It isn’t a big deal. But what about you?

How long will you throw hands in with fear of losing? Will you realize the value of the hand you just tossed in?

I don’t know.

Be watchful though, if someone calls your bluff. After all, we all play a little game of poker don’t we?

Neo

Going … Went … Was .. Going Back

When you’ve been half way round the world and then you return home, it is a special feeling. Well, I know it because I just know it. Specially, when you flying back for your parents’ 25^th marriage anniversary and they have no idea about you coming home, it is very special.

Well, I reached Bombay half an hour before expected. The adrenaline wasn’t rushing through to reach home as soon as possible because I’d come to know my mum and dad were not in town. Felt like it was a cruel joke by destiny to surprise me. Well, taken and taken in right spirit.

Cab ride to Barista, Cadel Road, Dadar.

“Saab, do sau(200 rupees) rupaiya hua.” I was bonked out of my brains. I smiled and said, “Bhaiya, gaav se nahi aaye hain. Airport se kya pehli baar nahi ja rahe hain. Tarif card dikho.”

Turns out, we settled the bill for 90 rupees.

Barista, He n She

I stepped out of my cab and then rushed to meet an old friend. Turns out she was waiting there for a while with her boy friend. I glanced at them and smiled. To my pleasant surprise she sprung to her feet and rushed towards me. It got a bit filmy when I dropped couple o my bags and we hugged

In an after thought and aftermath, it gives some kind of kick to have hugged your friend while her boyfriend gives you “wazz up dude?” look with not exactly comfortable glare.

Granny, am home

With all the enthusiasm and ziel, “I’m home, I’m home after half a year.”

And she calls me by my brother’s name and says, “It is good that you are home.”

Well, felt like a long breath just got stuck in my lungs.

Dad, where are you?

Dad was to return home by Gujrat Mail, the next day I reached home. I wanted to surprise him. I rushed to the train station and entered without buying platform ticket as the train had already arrived.

I reached out for the wagon SC6 and when I couldn’t find it, a porter enlightened me, “They detach all the wagons starting from SC3 at Dadar, the stop prior to this one.”

Wow, someone or something was keen on surprising me again. I hate it but what the hell. Run, before dad gets out and sits into a cab.

I called him up again, “Dad, where are you?”

“I’m standing beneath a clock”

“Dad, there are half a dozen of them on this platform.”

“Oh, so where are you? “

“emm, Here to pick you up.”

Hugs…no… we are equal, NOW

Watched a movie in my favorite theatre which had closed down three years back. Had food at a joint which is catering to young crowd since my dad was young. We sat down and discuss the prices of things such as Bhenpuri, shirt-pant, coke, a pack of cigarette and so on. Turns out inflation has taken toll. J

Right then, she called up and she was in town. We decided to meet. I took a momentary leave from my dad (we overlooked my promise that I was going to spend the whole day with him).

I saw her after maybe more than a year and was surprised as she looked really different. She took a while to recognize me as well. I took a couple of spaces and thought we might hug, but then came the embarrassing moment 7 for the day (leave first six for some other time)…she just gave a hand. Aftermath, afterthought, afterexplanation…. “Ahh, Nachiket, I was so damn sticky. It was for your sake that I didn’t…

A couple of days later, we were to meet for coffee at Bandra, Band Stand. As usual, I was on time and she was late. I was sitting down listening to ipod and scribbling something. I saw her walk into café, all smiles and cheered up. She walked up to the table and tilted a bit towards me and I stayed sunk in my chair refusing to move an inch. She settled down on the opposite chair and cutting the smile short she said, “I was going to hug you but…”

Afterthought, aftermath, “I didn’t want embarrassing moment 8. Besides, we are equal now.”

Well, we meet time and time over again and just get equal.

Café / Restaurant? Nope… chai cutting

It has been three years since we passed out of college. Me n my mates, by God’s grace all of us have moved on to better things and spending some money just for fun sake isn’t a problem. I picked up the phone and tried faking an American accent…it was a very dear friend who had returned from uncle Sam’s land after a while. Was eager to catch up. Thought of meeting up at some very high class, posh place to spend all his dollars that he had gotten along. Turns out, both of us were much happy to meet up for a cutting chai (half a glass of tea), some roadside food and seaside fresh air.

Some things don’t change and fortunately some do.

Marine Drive

Something I could not cover this time around. Marine drive is the most beautiful sea face in this world. The memories attached to it make it even more special for me. Missing it was the first realization that I can’t live without sea next to me.

Bunking college and sitting at marine drive- sea face, walking the whole stretch of 6 kilometer until lands end and wondering when will be the right moment to slip in my hand into hers, walking lonesome in the stormy weather witnessing lightings dancing like fairies on horizon, overpowering waves leaping as high as 6 meters, getting dad’s car and belting it by the sea face to 130-140, chasing Porsche on my bike with best friend riding next to me, riding with her hand clasped around me, putting on a bet with brother to overtake a better bike and winning it, those morning walks and Man to Man talks with dad, a quick pit stop after shopping spree with mumma, sitting along staring at nothing late at night, venting depression in nothingness, watching sunsets and then leaving footmarks in the sand, walking up there with half smile and hoping to complete it, walking out with a resolve and lungs full of hope…well, all that and much more is still pending to be felt again at Marine Drive.

Badminton :

Trust me it is tough to move around swiftly with excessive 10 kilos around the Badminton court. Well, excessive 10kilo is nothing but all the flesh n fat gathered during last few months I’ve been leading horrible lifestyle. I was convinced I was in amazing nick until my friend from the other side whispered, “Dude there is something between the frame of your racket, called gutting. May be next few shots you would like to use gutting rather than metal frame.”

What the hell, I was winning points and that is all that mattered. Doesn’t matter.

Hospital :

Bro returned home that night. Literally all fucked up. For a split second I thought someone beat him up real bad. Lip all swollen beyond imagination, eyes sunk in, dirty pretty much torn shirt, drooped shoulders and dragging feet.

I learned that somehow he made it home from Pune and had temperature.

We had to get him in hospital next day.

It was some kinda infection from insect bite and he really was in a mess. I’m lucky that I didn’t have to be in hospital so far and I really am shit scared of hospital.

I’d morning shift that day. My bro was always this smiling n charming ass, who was centre of attraction no matter where he went. I would be introduce as his elder brother most of the places. I mean I always publicly displayed how much I hated it, but deep down I was really glad. To see him lying on bed so pale on drips, it was so killing. I walked into the room. He just nodded and I nodded back. I walked around the room, read up the report chart as if I understood, looked at the drips, checked the bed and repeated the whole cycle of events all over again. Till he said, “Relax Dada, don’t be scared. Everything is fine. I’m OK.”

In that split second, everything just came at stand still and I was so stunned but so happy that bro has grown up maybe more than I have. I was so speechless for next five minutes till we broke ice by talking bout girls, movies, bikes and well other stuff mom wouldn’t really want to know.

Guest with free access to Fridge and Remote control

I loved staying at home as well during this stay and more I stayed at home, increasingly I got the feeling of a guest who has free access to refrigerator and TV remote control.

Standing by still as the whole city whistles by in its own rhythm and hurry. Being a complete social misfit and watching the long Marine drive like a tourist, with nostalgic eyes looking at those streets which never lead to nowhere, long coffees and quick lunches, evening bike rides, favorite movie halls and flee markets. All and all it feels, it is time. Time to head back.

Don’t know where….maybe here..

Neo