Going … Went … Was .. Going Back

When you’ve been half way round the world and then you return home, it is a special feeling. Well, I know it because I just know it. Specially, when you flying back for your parents’ 25^th marriage anniversary and they have no idea about you coming home, it is very special.

Well, I reached Bombay half an hour before expected. The adrenaline wasn’t rushing through to reach home as soon as possible because I’d come to know my mum and dad were not in town. Felt like it was a cruel joke by destiny to surprise me. Well, taken and taken in right spirit.

Cab ride to Barista, Cadel Road, Dadar.

“Saab, do sau(200 rupees) rupaiya hua.” I was bonked out of my brains. I smiled and said, “Bhaiya, gaav se nahi aaye hain. Airport se kya pehli baar nahi ja rahe hain. Tarif card dikho.”

Turns out, we settled the bill for 90 rupees.

Barista, He n She

I stepped out of my cab and then rushed to meet an old friend. Turns out she was waiting there for a while with her boy friend. I glanced at them and smiled. To my pleasant surprise she sprung to her feet and rushed towards me. It got a bit filmy when I dropped couple o my bags and we hugged

In an after thought and aftermath, it gives some kind of kick to have hugged your friend while her boyfriend gives you “wazz up dude?” look with not exactly comfortable glare.

Granny, am home

With all the enthusiasm and ziel, “I’m home, I’m home after half a year.”

And she calls me by my brother’s name and says, “It is good that you are home.”

Well, felt like a long breath just got stuck in my lungs.

Dad, where are you?

Dad was to return home by Gujrat Mail, the next day I reached home. I wanted to surprise him. I rushed to the train station and entered without buying platform ticket as the train had already arrived.

I reached out for the wagon SC6 and when I couldn’t find it, a porter enlightened me, “They detach all the wagons starting from SC3 at Dadar, the stop prior to this one.”

Wow, someone or something was keen on surprising me again. I hate it but what the hell. Run, before dad gets out and sits into a cab.

I called him up again, “Dad, where are you?”

“I’m standing beneath a clock”

“Dad, there are half a dozen of them on this platform.”

“Oh, so where are you? “

“emm, Here to pick you up.”

Hugs…no… we are equal, NOW

Watched a movie in my favorite theatre which had closed down three years back. Had food at a joint which is catering to young crowd since my dad was young. We sat down and discuss the prices of things such as Bhenpuri, shirt-pant, coke, a pack of cigarette and so on. Turns out inflation has taken toll. J

Right then, she called up and she was in town. We decided to meet. I took a momentary leave from my dad (we overlooked my promise that I was going to spend the whole day with him).

I saw her after maybe more than a year and was surprised as she looked really different. She took a while to recognize me as well. I took a couple of spaces and thought we might hug, but then came the embarrassing moment 7 for the day (leave first six for some other time)…she just gave a hand. Aftermath, afterthought, afterexplanation…. “Ahh, Nachiket, I was so damn sticky. It was for your sake that I didn’t…

A couple of days later, we were to meet for coffee at Bandra, Band Stand. As usual, I was on time and she was late. I was sitting down listening to ipod and scribbling something. I saw her walk into café, all smiles and cheered up. She walked up to the table and tilted a bit towards me and I stayed sunk in my chair refusing to move an inch. She settled down on the opposite chair and cutting the smile short she said, “I was going to hug you but…”

Afterthought, aftermath, “I didn’t want embarrassing moment 8. Besides, we are equal now.”

Well, we meet time and time over again and just get equal.

Café / Restaurant? Nope… chai cutting

It has been three years since we passed out of college. Me n my mates, by God’s grace all of us have moved on to better things and spending some money just for fun sake isn’t a problem. I picked up the phone and tried faking an American accent…it was a very dear friend who had returned from uncle Sam’s land after a while. Was eager to catch up. Thought of meeting up at some very high class, posh place to spend all his dollars that he had gotten along. Turns out, both of us were much happy to meet up for a cutting chai (half a glass of tea), some roadside food and seaside fresh air.

Some things don’t change and fortunately some do.

Marine Drive

Something I could not cover this time around. Marine drive is the most beautiful sea face in this world. The memories attached to it make it even more special for me. Missing it was the first realization that I can’t live without sea next to me.

Bunking college and sitting at marine drive- sea face, walking the whole stretch of 6 kilometer until lands end and wondering when will be the right moment to slip in my hand into hers, walking lonesome in the stormy weather witnessing lightings dancing like fairies on horizon, overpowering waves leaping as high as 6 meters, getting dad’s car and belting it by the sea face to 130-140, chasing Porsche on my bike with best friend riding next to me, riding with her hand clasped around me, putting on a bet with brother to overtake a better bike and winning it, those morning walks and Man to Man talks with dad, a quick pit stop after shopping spree with mumma, sitting along staring at nothing late at night, venting depression in nothingness, watching sunsets and then leaving footmarks in the sand, walking up there with half smile and hoping to complete it, walking out with a resolve and lungs full of hope…well, all that and much more is still pending to be felt again at Marine Drive.

Badminton :

Trust me it is tough to move around swiftly with excessive 10 kilos around the Badminton court. Well, excessive 10kilo is nothing but all the flesh n fat gathered during last few months I’ve been leading horrible lifestyle. I was convinced I was in amazing nick until my friend from the other side whispered, “Dude there is something between the frame of your racket, called gutting. May be next few shots you would like to use gutting rather than metal frame.”

What the hell, I was winning points and that is all that mattered. Doesn’t matter.

Hospital :

Bro returned home that night. Literally all fucked up. For a split second I thought someone beat him up real bad. Lip all swollen beyond imagination, eyes sunk in, dirty pretty much torn shirt, drooped shoulders and dragging feet.

I learned that somehow he made it home from Pune and had temperature.

We had to get him in hospital next day.

It was some kinda infection from insect bite and he really was in a mess. I’m lucky that I didn’t have to be in hospital so far and I really am shit scared of hospital.

I’d morning shift that day. My bro was always this smiling n charming ass, who was centre of attraction no matter where he went. I would be introduce as his elder brother most of the places. I mean I always publicly displayed how much I hated it, but deep down I was really glad. To see him lying on bed so pale on drips, it was so killing. I walked into the room. He just nodded and I nodded back. I walked around the room, read up the report chart as if I understood, looked at the drips, checked the bed and repeated the whole cycle of events all over again. Till he said, “Relax Dada, don’t be scared. Everything is fine. I’m OK.”

In that split second, everything just came at stand still and I was so stunned but so happy that bro has grown up maybe more than I have. I was so speechless for next five minutes till we broke ice by talking bout girls, movies, bikes and well other stuff mom wouldn’t really want to know.

Guest with free access to Fridge and Remote control

I loved staying at home as well during this stay and more I stayed at home, increasingly I got the feeling of a guest who has free access to refrigerator and TV remote control.

Standing by still as the whole city whistles by in its own rhythm and hurry. Being a complete social misfit and watching the long Marine drive like a tourist, with nostalgic eyes looking at those streets which never lead to nowhere, long coffees and quick lunches, evening bike rides, favorite movie halls and flee markets. All and all it feels, it is time. Time to head back.

Don’t know where….maybe here..

Neo

Sideways down

Tell me where this joke got higher

Tell me where this flirt got serious

Tell me when the future got heavy on us

Tell me when things started moving sideway down?

Everybody fucks up and that is just the way it’s been going around

Maybe I should now move along

Maybe drop of blood .. a drop of love is what you want

You’d found someone who makes you laugh,

Give it all but that’s not good enough…

You’d found someone who said he would stay

And stick around but that is not what you what you want

We slipped at the start and

Dragged the whole thing sideways down

Starting strangers

We end as ones again

But lot of emotions have flown under the bridge

And can’t just join the points

To get a picture

Cuz afraid it might be ours

But without colours

Without feathers

Without dreams and unknowns curiosities

And without butterflies in stomach and fireflies around

Under bright sun bathed skies

On Flawless beaches

Around tall and lonesome mountains

Among old ruins

With best friends

You walk with a smile

Smile….

Because if it is true,

What you said…

There is long way now…

We fell out of our place

Although we played our part

Our part to blame

Because when you find something so good

It is hard to focus on what is wrong

In the end, what hurt the worse

Has been resolved than the first

Because now I know what you said…

Nothing went misunderstood but

Mystery did lead to doubt

If this is what you were waiting for

yeah was good thing to leave it the chance

Because now I’m picking up the message and have been closer than ever been before,

If you still have something to say, then say it to me now…

But now future gets mad at me

and time goes on living

How could I be mad at you

You did what you did and you followed through

You were the one who always said….

But am not sad

Just disappointed

And no am not mad

But just disappointed

Future got on top of you

Working out of your skin

And then you went beneath it all

Just like anybody else would

I’m standing alone in this town

Starring around and wondering how to get out

And words don’t really fit

What I feel for you

And no-one is in love, maybe just misdirected.

Neo

Give me a place

I’ve flown over 10K kilometers over last few days, I’ve been in more than a couple of countries and a few capitals and cities glittering with blinding lights, I’ve been in the black-forest and on the crowded over packed buses. I’ve ridden my bicycle and have been also received in a C-class cars at the airports…I’ve met some interesting people but have bid farewell to many more who’ve been closest and dearest to my heart…and come to think of it – amongst this turbulence, airports now have become places where I can think, I can write and I can feel without relating them with people and bittersweet memories.

Once, you check-in, you see your baggage go rolling down those conveyer belts and what can’t go on conveyer belt you leave it outside the door, just like you’ve tried doing time and time over again.

Standing outside the gate, blowing the last cloud of smoke in the air…you can’t help but think of last time when someone escorted you to the airport or of the person who was on the other side to receive you.

Each place is tagged with people you’ve been there with, it is sprinkled with a smell, a picture, a memory, it is laced in your doubt and it is always something you are thinking about…

But these waiting lobbies have become mine now, just mine… I am safe here, I’m alone here. I’ve my space here, I’m always in my elements here. With or without over-packed baggage I’m always comfortable here. However, I can only keep him in exile until I’m supposed to board my flight, then I’ve to leave this place, I’ve to let him free.

Greedily, I rush to some more places and I beg for some more places. When the dust settles, I just want a place, a place where I would find myself, without turbulent memories and stirred up existence. Where, I would feel at home but be free from any remembrance of anything.

I want a place like this waiting hall but minus waiting, minus my baggage, minus closed doors and minus pseudo loneliness.

I just want one sweet little place of my own…

Neo

blink

You wake up, not sure from the dream or from a nightmare or from a tired slumber, you are not sure what…

You’ve heard the breaking voice and are now sticking your head out of the glass window, you look out, the horizon is filled with smog and cloud, so homogeneously mixed that you can’t make out what is what, down there is the shimmering of lights, at the first glance looks like bunch of tiny little stars bundled together and sprinkled around, looks like flickering crickets trying to tell you something…

The sky isn’t clear for you to see the skies, the sun has just escaped leaving the diminishing twilight behind and the you are approaching your so called destination at 500km/hr.

You lose altitude a few meters per second and before you realize those shimmering lights come to life and give way to your vision to see the city, the city waking up to go out in the evening, to dress up and shine up to step out n step up.

You see those zillion vehicles jamming the city corners, losing altitude that fast you slowly start seeing or perhaps dreaming, you pass those huge roads, see residential areas or perhaps they are industrial but how does it matter…you are dreaming by now perhaps…

A dream, a city, a blur face painted at smoggy horizon and your favorite song running on you ipod. You come further down and then finally fly over so close to that street where perhaps once you wished you stood and starred at the skies and the coming by planes till your neck hurts and then you would have looked at the familiar face smiling back at you, assuring you.

In split second, the rubber hits the concrete and bang…. You feel it, you still want to stick your head out but all you see is a wing, a blinker and passing by concrete runway. The flaps on the wing go up sharp vertical to help keep the aircraft on the ground and you blink longer, keeping your eyes wide shut to keep your mind with in the aircraft, within you. Pilot guides the machine to rest and so do you pull your dreamy shutter up vertical to bring you wavering mind to rest.

When lights come on, you blink again.

Not sure if you’ve woken up from a dream, a nightmare or a sloppy slumber.

Neo

When you fucking fall in love

You wake up in the morning. For once you’ve slept peacefully without remembering your nightmares, for once you’ve a few messages on your cell waiting for you to read. You wake up to some people’s good wishes, your cup of warm tea, a smoke and gray skies.

You step up and you know you are going to see her for the one last time before you leave, you know it is your last day, you know this is it. You see her sprinkled with the cold rain drops and shrink-wrapped in fog but with silver lining far beyond on the horizons. Your city of blinding lights is still waking up from the slumber and you enjoy looking at her pretty face as she changes sides.

You've waked down on all the streets, on those which have no names and those which are memory-lanes. As you desperately try and get lost, it doesn’t let you. Most of corners and most of the allies seem familiar; you always manage to find your way back. By now you are aware of her changing moods, spontaneous reactions and her sheer pace and the filled to the brim life.

Songs run through in your head, feet move much faster, no matter how deep you breathe you still can’t accommodate her in your lungs, no matter how many clicks and flashes you shower on her you can’t capture her, no matter how much you scribble you can’t frame her, she smiles and tells you not to fret from leaving and you smile...?

You realize you got to leave behind what you can’t take with you. You’ve your memories and that is about it. Concerts, drunken night outs, philosophical brain storming on the half-penny bridge, long walks by the sea, aimless travel with darts and commuters, window shopping, smiles and blushes, dates when you walk next to someone and foot bills, familiar faces in the crowd, green parks, romantic balconies, dockyards, rough neighborhoods, familiar streets and alien addresses, coincidences and staged accidents, heartaches and honest giggles, mind frames of seen it all and done it all and then innocence and insecurities of teenager, interesting company and some romantic walks, her smile and zeal and grace, her company

For all that Dublin has taken away from me, the city has given much more in return. Maybe enough to last me a life.

And that is why, it is fucking difficult to say Goodbye when you fall in love with the city, the perception of the city, with the people, long-walks and lingering evenings.

I still have 20,000 breathes before I board that ugly looking flying machine and am breathing you in…

neo

Good things happen only at the End

One needs to eat before they go to bed and the food just tastes better if there is an interesting company and delicate ambiance. That is when you eat not to refuel yourself but to connect with others, to smile, to speak, to enjoy and to live and live to fullest.

It is a new place that you are off to with a person you’ve know for a very short bit of time, you aren’t keen on impressing but curious to get to know a little bit more. You aren’t going to be what you are not but at least you want to be the best you can. Skies are as clear as they could be, wind factor is just about enough to keep you going for those couple of kilometers and just about enough topics and familiar common people to talk about.

On one side you want to be candid at the risk of sounding abrupt on the other front you are fighting the calculated, balanced and moderate sharp mind and admiring the beautiful person. Menu card appears to be one of your university question papers where nothing is familiar and prices don’t look very friendly but you don’t seem to care. Amidst of a very interesting discussion other person takes a bit of fresh mozzarella and as the person relishes it to the fullest…you are waiting holding your breathe for the person to complete the sentence that was left incomplete. And you find out by the time they gulped it down, turns out … they realized ‘You were smart enough and didn’t need any more background information to grasp the gravity of the situation.’ Well, sure I’m smart but I pay attention to details and I love to hear someone speak over the glass of wine. However, you smile. Look at the flickering candle, nice paintings on the wall and the steal a glance and one of you says, “The food is delicious or wine is classy and rich or the worse one….. So What else?”

You get some deserts, smile some more, talk a bit, brush by some more topics and put your coats on. It has gotten a bit colder and you do give it second thought but then you decide walk. Many excuses – you are full, too much of food, it is just around the corner or it is just nice to talk and let the evening sink in and enjoy every bit of it without any rush and chasing cars.

You know you can’t sing a song to save your life but you still hum…fumbling for lyrics. You don’t always find common ground to talk, to agree and to proceed but you walk and walk steady.

While you cut the last corner, you realize … all the good things often happen only at the end. Perhaps like the desserts after meals and warm hugs just before you leave.

When you know time is slipping out of your hand and it is slipping by real quick, you learn to make most of it. Only pinch is you can’t help but wonder, “Emm, well why couldn’t it happen a bit earlier…perhaps there could have been enough time…”

Life isn’t that calm, balanced, thoughtful and calculated and it also isn’t that immature, childish and spontaneous but it is an album full of beautiful memories, unfortunately we don’t have negatives left to take out some copies.

Neo

Lost Choice

When you don’t have anything left to choose

You have nothing left to lose either

I let the moments slip from my hand

Held my breath little longer

Pushed myself little farther

Held emotions little to tighter

Tried to look beyond the cluttered mind and clouded skies

Hoped for the better future

Had lived the past in present 1

And knew answers to future were in Past

Now as I connect the dots -

A picture appears that I am not afraid to see but disappointed to keep in me

It is tough and it always is

Loving concept of love has been the fatal error and will always be one

Placing one’s happiness in other’s hands is the most stupid thing but

One may take great pleasure and pain and pride in it.

So one does.

One day you are relieved from your duties, obligations, feelings and all the unsaid promises and unseen dreams

One day you are hung up on

One day you are left confused

One day you question

Other day you are sure

But you question again

You say that was all that was to it but

Life doesn’t work that way

Simple because world is divided into two

Haves have nots

Feelers thinkers

Doers Dreamers

Impracticals n Practicals

World is divided between you and me.

I knew I never had a choice

But if there is nothing left to choose I don’t have anything to lose…

To fight or to win either…

Neo