Thank you for making me believe you don't love me

It has been a while since I've sat outside on chilly wind, alone, making funny figures out of smoke. Last time, I was freezing to death but puffing a few more funny figures in a lonesome night, someone actually walked out with me n said, "People always have bad habits but that is not the reason they should be left alone."

Tonight, I'm shivering in a cold night. Wine bottle in half empty and friends have left. I'm leaning over my balcony, trying to grab one glimpse of my moon. But, I won't ... the sky is too crowded with the clouds. I just close my eyes and take a deep breath and wish I could see some light. I still don't.

Yet another deep breath and those memories send a chill down my spine. I clasp my hand around and make me believe it is getting warmer, but the wind is picking up.

I've made mistakes, I've been abrupt, I've been aggressive but I'm not sorry for them. I'm not sorry about anyone of them. Neither will I ever regret them. Tonight, when I find myself so vulnerable to the sadness of the living world, I've a scar on my face that reminds me of you. I am not some Brad Pitt or any intellectual genius, but I've had my piece of luck. I've had someones in my life and life has been fine. People come and people leave. I have cried over spilt milk but never like this.

My vulnerability freaks me out. Am I enlightened now or am hallucinated? Am I a go getter or a loser? Am I stupid optimist or a wise pessimist? Who am I? How does the ego matter anymore?

At times I see myself in you. I've disappointed so many people in life and that is why I'm not surprised when you disappoint me. I've been sarcasm personified so I'm not troubled when I receive it from you. I've drifted in to the moment, I've been blown by someone's presence and I've done things that I've regretted later on. But, I knew what shit I was getting into, I knew whom was I cutting loose; I knew what it was going to cost the other person and what was it going cost me. I only hope and pray, you know it too.

Wind has picked up and I'm still shivering. I wish I could feel your breath on my shoulder tonight, I wish your head could find comfort on my shoulder. I wish I could feel the rush of blood. Instead, I'm breathing slower and slower, senses are slowly disappearing in the dark night.

And all of sudden, I smile. For what, why, Am I thinking on the silence you kept then, am I thinking on that good night peck you gave on my neck? No, I'm not.

I'm accepting something. I think I'm falling hopelessly in love with you. I'm so sure, my phone isn't going to ring, my inbox is going to remain empty, my blog will not receive comments. I won't get that look, not yet. Not yet.

I'm ready to wait, I don't even remember when was it last that I gave enough time to something I so believed in. When was it last that I looked up the meaning of word, Patience. I don't deny this might just be yet another 'accident' that was waiting to happen, but I'm ready to take my chances. Knowing that you know nothing is to know a lot. No one said it was going to be easy, nothing is easy.

I think I'm going to run, I think I will stand by something that makes me believe I'm alive, I think I will take the roller coaster, Am on high one moment and next I'm down in hollows. It is all worth.

Thank you for making me dig so deep. It is only when you have let go of everything you are free to do anything. I think I'm. So could you be.

For all that you and I know, I would get hurt, bruised, fall right on my face and get up only to find you walk away with someone. But, Thank you for making me believe I'm still alive and can fall in love.

Thank you for trying to make me believe you don't love me, how bout convincing yourself or on the flip side running with idea.

I'm waiting, until we meet next, until you hold my stare little longer, until you slip your hand softly into mine, until you rest your head on my shoulder and close your eyes with trust, until this night passes by, chilling breeze slows down, I'm waiting until dawn breaks.

Neo