Wednesday, July 4, 2007

...



 

Don't try too hard…

Hey please don't try to read my literature

Try n understand my heart.

I don't expect you to understand what follows but

Explain to me …

I haven't lost my smile …

Just that I can't find it at the moment.

Don't try n search for me in these words

Try n look for me in memories

Find me in your heart

Find me in our friendship

I know I am just too good with words

So don't want you to get fooled with them

Why don't you go beyond them for me

I am juggling with them

N will juggle with them till loose the gab

Poet n writer in me will never die

But I want you to know me.

Don't ask me how you can help me

Just be with me

I know that I can win the world

Just give me the reason

I have many images

With changing day light my shadows change too

Shadows leave me by night

But you don't

Don't be fooled by the mask that I wear

Tear it apart

I am waiting

I am hurt n bruised

but time will heal it

I want you to make my faith stronger

I don't want medicine

I want vaccine

For my emotional immunity

But I know it is only you

Who can do it

Without ruining my sensitivity

I am a dreamer

But I want to be strong enough

Want to be practical enough

To accept the reality

I want to be wise to understand

What I can change

What I can't

I want you to be my strength

For what I can change

For what I can make difference

I am tired sometimes

I am tired of searching

I am tired of believing

But

You know that

I need to earn my faith back

Wouldn't you help me …

I need to close my eyes

I need to hear my heart beat

I need to sleep

I need a blanket

To keep me warm

To keep me safe

To get me thorough this night

I am shouting for help

Because the kid deep down inside me

Is confused

Is lost

Is alone

Is still a kid

But on surface I can't even stretch my hand out

I can't utter a word

I wear a mask

Confidence seem to be in my veins

But I m incomplete

I don't expect your call

Not your letter

Not your email

But don't you want to know me better…

Perhaps

I WANT YOU to know me better

Who am I …

I don't really know

I am waiting

I am waiting with my arms stretched out

Eyes closed

Silent lips

Beating heart

Afraid mind

This time speechless…

Waiting…

To be a Man



 

To be a man

Now i think i know what is it to be a man …

It is to hold a glass of wine high n when sip on first sip, look straight into her eyes. It is to hold her eyes little more than she would expect. It is to say the right words at the right time. It is to commit when you are absolutely sure, it is to hold your self back when you know you want to loose your self, it is to hold onto all your temptations, it is only to let her know that you still have a kid alive in you, it is to tell the kid in you that the world is not simple but one has to learn from hurts, it is to wear a smile when you want to cry, it is to punch walls when you are helpless, it is to blow a secret kiss in thinking only she is watching it, it is to wear heart on sleeves but not too often, it is to no where to draw the line, it is to look at the moon with full heart and also appreciate the dark, it is to understand that everything in this world can be substituted but still tell your mind that she is the only one, it is to make that little more effort every single time to show her she means, it is to slog it off to be the best, it is to be strong but yet be sensitive, it is to shed a tear when alone but to make someone smile irrespective of your sorrow, it is to be the one you are, it is to know that life is too short to waste it, it is to love and to be loved, it is to see in your father's eyes that he is proud of you, it is to overhear your praise, it is to pass on money to your younger sibling without any one knowing it, it is to be at the door at 3 am when you sister returns drunk, it is to put shawl over her and make a coffee for her, it is to speak till morning breaks , it is to wipe her tears and put her to sleep, it is to hug your mom when she is so totally mad on you, it is to face into dad's eyes and accept 'It was my fault', it is to walk the street alone but never fall weak, it is to be comfortable with loneliness but not to be hermit, it is to party but be willing to have a nice quiet walk, it is to hear rain storming on your glass windows and place a call to person you been wanted to be called by, it is to sip on the last sip of bitter strong coffee and promise your self a better day tomorrow, it is to flow with time, it is to know that you don't know, it is to think, it is to breath, it is to marry her, it is to make her believe you will be there, it is to please her, it is to be gentle, it is to hold her hand when she cries out with pain, it is to be a father, it is to hold child's finger and help him take first step, it is to let him fall but be there, it is to pat his back, it is to punish and be harsh, it is to watch them grow, it is to let go something you craved the most, it is to live for and live in THE MOMENT, it is to take a breath and close you eyes forever and ever.

I shall be the Man one day, the Man I want to be, the Man I chose to be, the Man she wants me to be.

Amen.

Mumma tell me



Mumma please tell me…

Were the pains worth to give me birth

Do you forgive me for the sleepless nights

Cautious nine months

And tweety one years ever after

Did you see an ounce of you in my tiny eyes

Did you hear heaven speaking to you

With my words on earth

Was I as pure as sunshine

Was I as lively as water

Was as innocent as a wish…

Tell me mumma could you hear my heart beats

How you understood me without words?

Why couldn't you sleep at night

When I had nightmares

How would I always find your hand

On my forehead and

Your smoothening voice

In my ears

To tell me that all will be ok.

To tell me, tomorrow is going to be a brighter day

How you accepted me with my failures

My tantrums

My wimps and fancies

My depression

Perhaps, once you saw it in my eyes

It was no more mine

It was all yours

You took it all away

You made all problems yours

Gave all your smiles to me.

Why …

Mumma where are you today…

I want to believe you mother

I want to trust your words

This world isn't simple

As you told me,

People aren't nice

As you are

I struggle but

I don't see the success

I dream but

Only nightmares

Morning comes after dark

But there isn't sunlight

Why mother…

I get affection

But I want love

I find acquaintances

But I need a friend

I know,

My cheeks are wet when the movie Titanic ends

But I still

Want to watch it

Alone…

Because mumma I have no one…

Mumma, all love stories have to end

And end in tragedy?

Every Romeo has to die?

Or I have to kill the Romeo in me?

I have answers

But my questions aren't right

Why money can't buy satisfaction?

But can't I be happy without money?

How long I have to go?

How long can I go?

How long you will be with me mom?

What will I do without you?

Why God gave me heart that cries?

Why you gave me love that I can't do without?

Why sitting up late I'm scribbling this…

Why is there no full stop…

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Love, Cruise and Lifeboat



 

Love, Cruise and Lifeboat

 

 

Even before your ears hear it, your mouth words it, mind accepts, eyes often say it, pronounce it and accept it. You set our sails and off you set out on the cruise. You have found your love of life, you think. You accommodate both of you on a nice front deck, spacious and cosy suit just cut out for you.

 

You go visiting some of the most prettiest harbours, shining cities, walk cobble streets in crimson lights, visit flourished and vibrant bazaars, get wet on the shores of lonely beaches, climb up to mountains, raft down the rivers, sip coffees and shakes in the shakes and breath assurance into veins. You walk hand in hand, shop merchandise which are soon to become trophies of your love and memories of your love.

 

Miles away from hustle-bustle of your city, you breath oxygen, you breath love. You enjoy the sun on your tender skin, air in you lungs and cherish his/ her smell around you. All, until you hit the stormy waters. More often than not (rarely other way round) you soon run into a storm, just as it has been waiting for you round the cape of good hopes. It is romantic to hold hands and face on with all your heart, but we rarely dare to fly blind again. Much before you realise, you are pushed into the lifeboat. A crowded lifeboat, I must say.

 

 

Stormy weather shows no pity and you feel your lifeboat is beginning to sink. You need to get load off the sinking lifeboat. You start throwing out people one by one. Your friends, off they go. Your family is left behind. Slowly but steadily you are throwing your belongings out and for what you don't exactly know. You look into those big pretty eyes and that sole becomes your reason for being and also the reason for throwing things off. Later you throw your pride away, sooner or later your self-esteem and your very instincts that make you what you are.

 

 

At the end you are left with your life jacket, you are left with whatever bits and pieces that make you yourself. And then, when the boat still seems to be sinking, trust me; this is your last chance to jump off it, gather all that you have been dropping out all this while and swim back to the shore and swim hard.

 

 

Even if you sink my friend, you will at least have heart to respect your own self in the afterlife.

 

 

So, swim now and swim hard.

 


Thursday, May 17, 2007



 

Milk Powder, Girly Cold-coffee and Chauffer driven car

 

 

Just to make sure that if I wasn't in driver's seat then at least to be in cleaner's seat, I asked, "So you guys are waiting for me?"

 

"Hey, Yeah.  He is Bret and she is Sarah."

"Hey, thank you, I mean you are showing us around when you are here just to chill a bit over the weekend."-Bret.

 

"Sure", I said, "You guys are most welcome (With Thanks I accept tips too, that is off the record)"

 

So, I had some plan. Take Kerrie, Bret and Sarah around the down-town area of Mumbai and show them some of my favourite places. I even thought of the buildings we would pass and their past and a bit of history and some stories. Where I couldn't find anything significant I was even contemplating of making things up, after all, being a dynamic, impressive tour-guide isn't that easy. However, first thing they made it clear that they had already walked down my favourite stretch of road; they had seen two of the best monuments in Mumbai-Gate Way of India and Victoria Terminus. So there went my preparation and making things up strategy disappearing in the thin air.

 

I cleared my throat and came up with a new plan, new route. We headed straight from Regal theatre towards Asiatic National Library-Magnificent Structure, with steps so tempting that in the evening one just can't avoid to sit down there chatting with friends. Right across the library is a park, which I used to visit only when Kala-Gohda festival used to take place there, otherwise why would I want to go into the park. I had very little knowledge about the park and about the buildings around. I gawked at the information board, perhaps with more curiosity than any one of my tourist did.

"Yeah, so guys this was built by this guy, who belongs to Parsi Community", I said slowly taking the conversation into the realm of expertise, Religions in India; "Tata, the family which has been in business for long. They began with Tea and such products…"

"and now they practically own everything, don't they?"; Bret Completed my sentence. We took a small stroll in the park. Me and Bret then talked about Aviation Industry, Vijay Malya and lot of other stuff, while Sarah and Kerrie couldn't escape the stare from some of the workers hanging around the park.

 

I went on and on about the facts and small stories about the place, while I confronted with some churches, corners and alleys that I had never thought existed. Strolling down from National Library we came up to Akber-Alis, Flora-Foutain. That is where I tried  practicing a bit of German with Sarah and talked a bit bout German food and so on. I narrated a bit of history and there I found myself struggling for words and facts, to explain as to how the very name Bombay came up. And that is when Kerrie came up with help, Bom means something nice or beautiful or something like that in French. And I completed, "Exactly, Bay means Bay, so that is why the name, Bombay." A good tour guide always pats backs of his tourists when they come up with such a handy piece of information. But, I still don't know why Portuguese people who ruled Mumbai and eventually gifted it to Brits, would have come up French name for Bay or what might have struck Brits to name it so. Anyways, petty things; "We are now heading towards Marine Drive Sea Face and the main train station." – I declared.

 

Now that is the part of the city I love. We walked down from Flora-fountain to Churchgate. There I showed them the Fashion Street, road side book shops, Oval maidan (ground), road to my junior college, our own lovely Eros theatre and the busy train station. I am not sure but we must have walked around a couple of kilometres or may be more. I wasn't thirsty yet and I lacked consideration and imagination to ask my fellow walkers if they were thirsty. Thank God, Kerrie brought it up if one can find some good coffee shop near by. And I thought of one that would have been at least half a kilometre away. That is when they caught glimpses of Inter-Continental. It is a five star hotel and except for once, when my friend pulled his car over and went in just a take a leak, I had never been inside the premises, neither did I have any intentions of going in this time. My wallet is kind of allergic to places like these. Never the less, how can I leave my group alone, I sneaked in with them. The hotel has a good ambiance, offcourse it is designed for the upper class. Everyone had a look at the menu, my eyes were glued on the Necklace road and the peaceful Arabian sea which was facing the scorching sun so calmly. Bret, "Hey, order something. I mean anything you want to have. It is on us."

 

"Yeah, you've been walking us all around and talking so much. You know so much from the city." Sarah.

 

Kerrie just nodded her approval.

 

"All right, a cold coffee, please."- Me.

 

"Yeah, I will go for a cold coffee, too." Bret.

 

Sitting down there in the comfortable chairs of the coffee house of Inter-Continental, I saw two street children pass by. That is when Kerrie mentioned this incident – "We were at Gate Way of India and she just approached us."

 

"She asked", Bret said; "Where are you people from? How do you like it here and so on"

 

"and she walked up a few spaces with us" Kerrie said. Then asked us for money in such a way, it was so difficult to say no. Her younger sister was ill and hungry and she wanted to buy her some milk-powder. She started just a small talk and then begged for the money with such an innocent face. "Man, I couldn't sleep that night."

 

Bret consoled, "I don't think you can go on giving money like this to everyone. It is ok."

 

Somehow it didn't feel all that pleasing to sip onto the cold coffee now as much as I had imagined.

 

It took eternally long for the guy to serve us coffee. In the mean while Bret told us about his experience with Café Coffee Day outlets in here and how he didn't like the Cold Coffee one bit. I was wondering if he was going to like the one he was about to be served.

 

"I used to work in this coffee house and we guys would keep working for a few hours and we would be so wired up, you know", Bret narrated; "We would just take the expresso and keep it in the deep freeze so it would really cool off and then take out the coffee later on and add some ice to it and then just unwind on the Cold Coffee." As much as I was impressed by his frank narration about working a few summers in coffee shop I was disappointed that he wasn't going to like the upcoming coffee, though it was going to be a five star coffee.

 

"Geees, it is such a girlish drink…" Bret.

 

Well, it was only fraction of second till Kerrie and Sarah nodded to it.

 

"Girlish cold coffee. Well, we Indians just love milk based products and so we love our cold coffee that way." A bit of take it or leave it explanation with modest tone from me didn't really change anything but I am glad I clarified.

 

Clock was ticking all this while and it struck us that Sarah has to fly off at around 7:30pm so we better get moving. We decided to go up the Malabar Hills and then down to sea face again and then we were to push off to Haji Ali, Worali and then eventually to Bandra where we would part ways.

 

I was contemplating the idea if to take my tourists to see Ban-Ganga, a lake of great historic importance and one of its kinds, in Mumbai. Eventually, I called up my dad, woke him out of his sweet siesta and asked for a bit of directions and in return he asked me to call up one of my uncle who stays right next to the lake. So it is, Ban-Ganga, Walkeshwar. 

 

Now, this wasn't exactly my comfort zone. I hadn't been there since I was a kid. I didn't know the way around and I wasn't sure if I was going to call my uncle or not. Well, left right, round-n-round and we finally arrived there. Ban-Ganga is a nice calm place right in the city but makes you feel so far away from the daily hustle-bustle. It is a place I had always loved to be when I was a kid. Somehow, I had not turn up here in long time. It felt good to be there. My group liked the place too. I, then just thought of excusing my self for a bit and going on to say hello to my uncle. I greeted my uncle and spoke for a bit and was about to leave. He asked me what was the matter with me…

 

"Nothing, there are just couple of friends I'm here with, so…"

 

"No problem, call them in. Let us sit inside."

 

I had no idea how this one was going to turn up. I landed up there, unannounced. My uncle somewhat (well, quite a lot) surprised to see my friends, folks who were out to do some site seeing and not to go for tee and coffee to some completely unknown Indian household. Well, now it seems it turned out damn well.

 

My aunt offered them some home-made cold drink, which I think they loved sipping onto as they chatted with my uncle. My uncle found it amusing, as his son in America was visiting some of his American friends over the weekend and he had some Americans and one German guest to attend to and ohh yeah, a nephew who turned up after quite a bit of time.

 

Come to think of it, what a tour guide I was. Not just the places, not just the old streets and monuments but now I actually facilitated some culture exchange opportunity to my folks. Well, that is definitely not what I was thinking then. I was a swinging pendulum between a nephew, googler (because they were my office colleagues) and a translator. I felt life is interesting and so are its consequences.

 

We left their house after adequate dose of Indian Hospitality. My group thanked me and I got an opportunity to enforce, as to how nice people we are. Aren't we?

 

I gave idea to the driver as to where we had to go and turned around; Sarah was aggressively going through her travel book to search for a good eatery; Bret had his eyes glued to the road to look for some nice place to eat. I think Kerrie couldn't have done much sitting right in middle. "Umm, eating is never a problem in Mumbai. I mean…(what's the big deal)" I said, casually; "We'll definitely find something."

 

Sarah suggested a few places but they were really far and then being a local came handy, when they gave into me and agreed that I could take them to the place I think is fit.

 

Yuhuuu, what a personalised trip. More than anyone I was convinced. I took them to favourite part of my city, my junior college, now typical Maharashtrian food and then Bandra, where I studied for four years. It can't get better, can it?

 

We then, drove down to Shivaji Park, Dadar, where we halted for Lunch. At three o'clock noon, it was going to be a heavy lunch. Ordering was a little tough part because I wasn't sure as to what they will like and what they won't but it all turned out well. We freaked out on Puri-Bhaji, Wada-pav (Mumbai-burger), Misal (spicy vegetable with crispy snacks) and then Mango dessert. I was so full the food was awesome and I was glad too that Bret, Kerrie and Sarah, all of them liked it ( & I didn't have to pay a penny).

 

Next stop was Bandra. We had a peaceful drive, as our driver refused to speed over 40kmph come what may. We went to see the ruins of Bandra fort at bandstand. It was very breezy there and with two beautiful women with shades and skirts, getting stares from men wasn't something unexpected. One can see the Bandra-Worli sea link bridge being built, it is some site. It is also known as lands end, where one is surrounded by water from three sides, as this is the point where the land narrows down to submerge into the sea. The Sun was going down but may be it was still hard enough to give sun burn. "Ahh," Kerrie said ; "I forgot to put sun-screen." Bret instantly stood tall between her and the Sun to give her some shade. Then they posed for a photograph, they looked so sweet then. I'm sure those four guys who collaborated their efforts to take one photograph of us would agree to this. We walked around for a while and then we had to say bye to Sarah.

 

Sarah left and then I was wondering if I should leave or stay. I love Bandra bandstand sea face. I had studied in a college near by. We had just visited chapel in my college and now I didn't feel like leaving that place. So, I just tagged along with Bret and Kerrie. Tour was over, I was out of facts and figures and stories and there was nothing to be explained. Right then the tour-guide vanished in the same thin where his words, stories and some hours spent together had vanished. I was just having a walk, by the sea, with two wonderful people, talking a lot and asking a lot of question. Pleasant, it was.

 

 

'I reached airport. Now in Kingfisher business lounge, having a coffee and reading a book. Now relaxing'; if I may say so then Bret informed us about this sms from Sarah. I was glad that she reached safely and she was relaxing, but I was also concerned, though she wasn't relaxing with us going around the city, was she enjoying at least? (because by far this was the most luxurious tour I had ever had)

 

Coffee seemed appropriate to unwind from the whole day's site seeing. So, I got this one coffee, so totally free. And I was thrilled when Bret asked me how much would be the taxi fare back to my home from this very point. We had a nice evening by the sea face. We talked about lot things and exchanged a lot of information, about people, places and cultures.

 

Finally, we parted ways right outside the sea side café. Little fumbled if I was seeing off my tour group or colleagues or acquaintances or somewhat friends, I settled it with a good old formal hand-shake and happy journey greetings. I got on to the bus and left.

 

Gazing at the horizon standing next to Taj Hotel and Gate way of India, I'm wondering what has taken my friend so long to get the pastries from the Taj Cake shop. I'm contemplating if the free coupons worked or they didn't, did she meet up with some of her friends there, is it window shopping or she has just ran out of money. And right then I hear, "Sir, Madam, Where are you from? Which country? How you like it? "Girl struggling to keep up the pace with a tall European couple walking by; "It is so, my baby-sister is hungry and I need to buy milk-powder for her. I need this money for her. Hungry. Please. Sir."

 

Here is the thing, I'm hungry and I need those pastries, so I got to rush to find my friend.

 

 

 

 Neo

 

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

I want to know



 

I want to know

 

 

You know and I know

We all have a life

And it is ending one minute at a time

 

I want to know

What is this life about

What my mom felt when she heard me crying for the first time

I want to know what the Almighty felt bout one more kid on earth

What my dad felt when he slogged harder to get me to good school

 

I want to know

What my brother felt when I took him all over the park

So proud that the best looking baby is none but my bro

What he felt when I laid hand on him for the first time

And we fought till one of us bled.

 

 

What my friends felt

When they ditched me after ball had slammed through wind shield of the newest car in our compound

What he felt when we ragged him because he was new in the colony

What he felt when he wasn't invited for any of the birthday parties.

 

I wonder what was she thinking when she said, thanks but no thanks.

I wonder what she felt when I said goodbye

I wonder what coach felt when I hung my boots.

 

I wonder what those countless people think of me

Who I don't even know

What does one feel when he is addressed as hey black shirt, you fatso you, you pink scarf

 

 

What a beggar thinks seeing three piece suit gentleman walking by

Least bother about his existence

What a soldier feels, ready to take bullet in his chest

For I don't know what

What a fighter pilot feels when he is about hit eject seat of a million dollar flying machine.

What did the pilot of the aircraft felt, the same aircraft that dropped Fat Boy.

What does a kid in Africa think about McDonald n Lovin it

What does Santa thinks about Coca Cola

 

 

I think this brief time till my heart is beating n pumping blood in my veins

Isn't just about me, my family , my girlfriend, job, kids, fun, party, booze, travel…

It must be more than that

It should be…right ?

 

 

I think I still have a life

N beginning to wonder what does life think about me?

It is something I don't particularly want to know

But I need to know.

 

May, 07

 

 

He looks at him

He looks at him

He is just walking down

Little grumpy

It is part of his routine but...

He likes it but he doesn't like it either

He is holding his dad's hand

Bunch of books and his homework

Packed with his Tiffin back in the backpack

A laptop, contract papers and graphs

Packed with some CDs and cables in his backpack

Dressed in creaseless Van Heusen and

Cobalt blue trousers n woodland shoes

Not to forget sort after Tie

He looks at him

He wonders

How different would it be exchange the backpack with him

Walk tall n walk smart

Power shoes, power tie, power steering

No homework no exams

He glances

At the tiny hands holding on the lolly pop

Takes a drag

N the smoke carves out image of himself

Walking down to school.

No meetings, no obligations

Insane excuses and incomplete homework

Back bench and muddy football grounds

School picnics and that pretty face

Dragging his feet behind Papa's

He wonders how would he go

That mile from lolly to camel filters

He doesn't understands it is bad

Does he understand either?

He looks at the lolly n wonders

Perhaps he has walked that mile

Long back

Passed by never to come back

Wonders if he could ever suck onto lolly.

Be carefree.

He is amused

He is nostalgic

He smiles, so does he

He looks at him

They cross path

1st may, 07