17 Year Old Self

Things were simple. It took one or two meetings or mere running ins with certain someone before his heart refused to follow any further instructions from his brain. All logic was out of the window. There was no master plan or pretense. There was only one thing he could do – react and follow his heart.

Tell her he really liked her. Perhaps, he wasn’t that polished, and all he managed to say was – “I really have a big crush on you.”

It didn’t in that moment, but in hindsight it certainly is comparable to a dog chasing a speeding car. Even if the dog caught up with the car at the next traffic light, what was his move aside from barking a couple times? 

Perhaps locking eyes with the driver for a split second ?

(Overlook this 30 year Old’s cynicism.)

But it was naïve ! It was raw and it was spontaneous.

That 17 year old was excited. Ready to dive headlong. He got hurt more than he got rewarded, but was he anxious ? Never!

He was inconsolable and crushed, but it only until he turned the corner.  Only until the next girl made him feel the butterflies in his stomach, when he couldn’t help but turn around, when his throat dried up as he approached to talk to her, when all her friends appeared as world’s worst demon only put on earth to stop him from talking to her. Only until then.

He, then, for the most part deeply and incessantly fell for her.

Afraid her mother may pick up the phone again, he didn’t try calling her more than once. He did want to share with her, how suddenly his days were brighter and people were nicer, but he had to hold on to all of it until they met next. Any attention he could offer or seek had to just wait.

He loved courageously, even sometimes knowing fully well that he was on a one way street.

Courage is part belief and part stupidity.

Somewhere along the road, he grew older and technology grew smarter. There are cell phones, text messages, social media and other things now. 

He hasn’t called her yet, their brief text messages have tried to ferry their emotions across this busy, loud world that is filled with distractions. 

Under the pretense of patience, he has procrastinated.

And what took one or two meetings or mere running ins then, may have taken more this time but I’m afraid it has happened again. Something somewhere has changed and there is utter anarchy. Logic, again, is out of the window. His rational, deductive brain is no longer in-charge.

He is just looking for that naïve, stupid courage. 

If he catches up with the car, it isn’t just about locking eyes, but about getting in the car and driving along for as long as roads will take them. 

Neo